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Opening Internet Explorer on my mom's computer brought me to MSN's homepage, and I saw a link that led me to this Salon article. It's about how Stephen Colbert blasted both Bush and the Washington press, and the media's response is to just ignore it. Weird how "The Daily Show" and "The Colbert Report" seem to lead the way in terms of journalistic integrity.
After reading the article, I thought to myself, this is what drove me to hate being a journalist.
I was lured into journalism because it was about doing important work for the community, being a watchdog for society. But I had come to hate it because finally working in the real world it was about having clips and building a portfolio. I hated it because I found after working for real papers that journalism today is about journalists' egos, not serving readers.
But really, after thinking about it more, that's not true. It started hating it long before I left OU.
I mean, I was really thrilled when I got into journalism. I was always really excited to come into the newsroom, and always left way late, skipping classes and putting off homework, just so I could do more with the paper. I interviewed all sorts of people, from Bob Stoops to Dennis Hastert to Garrison Keillor. I thought I loved it.
I had a lot of fun my first year and a half doing it when I was doing entertainment stuff, but I have to say, looking back now, I don't think I ever loved journalism.
You see, after going through 15 majors and already one career change it was nice to finally see something in which I had a legitimate future.
I didn't love it. I just loved that I was good at it.
During my 11 months at the Lawrence Journal-World, I think people there were pleased with my performance. I feel like I had the respect of my collegues and bosses, and had I stayed I would have had a really good future there.
But I felt like a fraud because I was just a shade of the copy editor I used to be.
I felt I always had the support and encouragement to try different things and take risks in Lawrence, because I couldn't ask for better people to work with. But I was held back because couldn't get past how much I hate journalism.
I hate how it ruined my writing; everything's in succinct sentences now.
I hate how badly it is practiced in Oklahoma.
I hate how it robbed me of being blissfully ignorant of the world.
I hate how it's stolen my concept of a weekend, or the idea of staying up late.
I hate how after almost repairing my GPA to a 3.0, it brought me down to a 2.6.
I hate how I chose it over taking a chance at being a screenwriter/playwright.
I hate how the Kent Nichols, the Todd Baileys and the Dennis Andersons are the successes, but the Kelly Furnases, the Leigh Barnetts and Kim Callahans don't get the respect and rewards they deserve, and are even driven out of the business.
I hate how almost every friend I made at the OU paper turned into an enemy, and it was never over personal differences. It was because of either a job I got over them, or because I picked someone more qualified for a job either over them or someone whom they thought was a better choice. And I really hate how much of a bitter person this has made me, and how much harder it is for me to make new friends now.
But, oddly enough, what I don't hate is that I became a journalist. If I hadn't I wouldn't have gone to three different corners of the continental U.S. And I wouldn't have made the friends I did make.
And without journalism I don't think I would have discovered nursing.
I do have fears about nursing. I'm not afraid that I'll find that I'll hate it, like I did with journalism. But I'm afraid that I won't be good at it. I mean, pride in my work aside, if I'm not good at it, I'm potentially putting lives at risk.
I really hope I'll be a good nurse. Because if I come to find I was better at being a journalist than I'll ever be as a nurse ...
Well, that's something I'd really hate.
12 comments:
Darling, you will be the best nurse on earth. I already have mental images of you hurrying through the ER shouting medical jargon, like "I need 100 cc's of that green stuff with the Latin name."
All your patients will LOVE you. They will impatiently ask the day nurse when George's shift starts. And the day nurse will grow jealous. The day nurse will be your new bete noire.
Maybe you could get a job as my doctor's nurse. You could show her how all the high-tech gadgets like tongue depressors and reflex hammers work. You two would become the medical must-haves.
Are we talking about your gynecologist again? Because now I have this image of her using an otoscope and a toungue depressor (we just covered that in my medical terminology class) when she should be using a speculum (yes, we just covered that, too).
Oh, and speaking of "Friends with Money," the image I now have in my head of your doctor is Frances McDormand.
Oh, my doctor is HOT like Frances McDormand, but her personality is not like that character's. She is more like the Joan Cusack character (good-natured, well meaning, a tad ditzy) with some of the Catherine Keener character (unabashedly matter of fact) thrown in.
Think if I did work for her. When I blogged about it in Sopranos terms, I'd be commenting about "Sal Bonpensiero" and "Malanga."
Oh, and actually I didn't think of her as that character. I got the tad ditzy, so I was thinking more Marge Gunderson.
Is Kelly in the house? Holla!
George, you are going to be a great nurse. People will cry on your shoulder when they come in for their Prozac renewal. You'll take a ticking bomb out of somebody's stomach like they did on "Grey's Anatomy." Your elderly patient will ask you for prune juice, and she'll ask you why you brought her orange juice instead, goddamnit, and you'll leave and return with the same glass of prune juice and she'll say, "That's more like it." You'll be everybody's favorite nurse.
Who is Kelly?
Kelly Furnas. I worked with him in Tallahassee, and he and cl went to K-State at this same time (I think she was a senior when he was a freshman). I told him about you before: His dad was once KPA president, and when I asked him about the Journal-World he said it was, in his opinion, the best newspaper in the state.
Kelly and I don't keep up that much right now, just occassional e-mails. He's not completely out of the business, but works as an adviser at Virginia Tech.
Just wanted to say I enjoyed your post. After 5 years in full-time journalism work, I've reached a kind of pre-mid-life crisis, and your comment -- "I didn't love it. I just loved that I was good at it." -- has gotten as close as I can figure my own thoughts on the matter. Good luck in your new career path. I'm hoping to find mine.
Melissa,
Thanks. I really hope things work out for you, too. If you've only been in it for five years, then you probably have time to figure out what you want to do if you do decide journalism isn't for you.
Nursing seemed to make sense to me; I was already used to working a crap schedule and being underappreciated. But I have hopes that at least it's more rewarding work that can pay pretty well.
I'll admit journalism made me more cynical, and I probably would have turned into one of those people you hate had it not been for perspective.
And I got that perspective from one of your biggest fans -- my wife. She hates journalism and journalists, complaining about the egos, the self-righteousness, the way it strips you away from your friends and family.
To me, journalism wasn't so much about being a watchdog (although I DO think that's important), it was instead mainly about curiousity. Curiousity about the community, the world, the language and people. But as I began to get sucked into the thought that I was in a holier-than-thou profession, I met Dawn. And she kicked me off that high horse.
Doesn't the guy at McDonald's fit into society just as much as I do, she would ask. And she's absolutely right. I'm a part of the spectrum -- no better or worse than anyone else. My job doesn't make me a better person -- but working hard at it does. And that gratification can come from being a journalist, a nurse or the trash man.
Sorry to rant, but you had a great post. And I apologize for falling out of touch. We'll catch up soon, I promise.
/ krf
Kelly! Holy crap, you found my blog!
Dude, don't apologize for ranting to the guy who's been ranting about journalism for five years now. And it's more my fault than yours that we haven't kept up lately. Sure, I've basically lived out of a suitcase this year, but I also sit in front of a computer eight hours a day.
I think another reason I kept jumping around was the notion that at the next stop I'll find "my Dawn." Now I just want to be in a position to help others (but don't think didn't take notice of the 9-to-1 girl/guy ratio in nursing).
And we need to figure when it'll be a good time to make a visit to Virginia. I do have good memories of Tallahassee, and when I do miss the place it's always because I'm thinking of you and Dawn.
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