You've all seen them: Those signs by the side of the highway as you enter cross the border to welcome you as you enter another state.
The Texas Department of Transportation has that sign above by Interstate 35 about 0.15 miles south of the Red River to give a big "Howdy" to motorists venturing into the Lone Star State.
But there's one problem with the logistics of that sign: It comes about 0.1 miles too late.
This is the sign that actually greets travelers when they cross the Red River as they're leaving Oklahoma to go into Texas.
Any adult who has lived in Oklahoma knows why: You can't get porn in Oklahoma. At least not the hardcore stuff. That's why I was so shocked to find it playing in motels here.
But I guess the law is that it's only illegal to sell it. Hence the store right across the border: DW's Adult Video, which I find very interesting. DW has rekindled my interest in film lately. And now this -- coincidence??? If it is him, I guess it's what puts the wood in "Driftwood."
You can see here just how close to Oklahoma this store really is, calling, beckoning us to make the trek down south on a porn run. It's the state's dirty little secret. And yes, I have made this trip on more than one occassion. Why am I not embarrassed to say it. Why? First, after the motel porn adventure, can I really find anything more embarrassing? And second, I know I'm not alone. For many Oklahomans, this store is a tradition, a rite of passage. I learned this when the subject came up several times working at the OU paper, pretty much everyone had done it. They even had a column about it last month, (jokingly) arguing that legalizing porn in Oklahoma would reduce greenhouse gases. Indeed, in the parking lot Monday, there was a nice black Mercedes that pulled in just as I got there, a Cadillac, a Toyota and a pickup truck -- all with Oklahoma plates.
And let me say now, please don't think I'm some sort of porn addict. The number of porn runs I've made you can count on one hand (give or take a finger or two). Plus, I actually haven't bought any in a while, since it doesn't matter if I'm 14 and it's under the mattress, or I'm 30 and living at my own place in Florida -- if my mom sees it, it's going in the trash.
The reason I'm sharing this? Well, I guess I'm not going to be an Okie for all that much longer, so I don't feel the need to keep our dirty little secret.
14 comments:
I feel the need to point out a couple of mistakes on those signs.
The Texas sign uses a prohibited font. Don't they execute a lot of people there? Well, I think they should start with the person who chose the "Welcome to 7exas" font. First, the state is Texas, not 7exas. Second, any font that tries to be cursive has to put little tails on either side of every single letter, and that just sucks. If you need script, JUST HAVE SOMEBODY DRAW IT. No, not drawl it. Draw it.
My second rant will be shorter and more amusing. They misspelled the name of the state on the Adult Video store. It should say: "WELCOME TO TEXXXASS."
George, are you going to be safe in Oklahoma now that you've let out the dirty little secret? Will you be attacked by other porn freaks? I'm sorry, I meant "by porn freaks?"
Don't they have the Internet in Oklahoma?
G, has your mom really found your porn? hehe
I could have sworn they had Internet porn in Oklahoma. Maybe it's indoor plumbing I'm thinking of.
Anyway, if you're going to accept my marriage proposal (George Callahan has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?), you will have to give up the porn. All of it. I can't abide disloyalty in a husband. He can only have eyes for me — and my girlfriends.
Well George, looks like I’ll have to send some goons down there and shake those boys up. There they are running “my” store and I haven’t seen a single cent from all those profits you are talking about. Whatever happened to the honest porn brokers?
What I’ve wanted to know is if motels in Utah have porn channels. I don’t stay in motels anywhere, so I don’t know. I’m pretty sure they don’t have porn shops since they don’t even seem to have the softcore mags at gas stations. Don’t know how many times I’ve driven I-80, but I know I’m about to leave Wyoming and enter Utah because of a sign for a porn shop—the only one that advertises on the whole 1,500 miles of I-80 that I drive. Wonder why there isn’t one on the Nevada side of Utah?
Ben, if Okies exacted retribution on me, they would be admitting they watch porn -- it's not going to happen.
We have Internet, but I think in rural areas the choice was either cable modems or indoor plumbing. Though I guess you could take the laptop with you into the outhouse.
And kc, if you're going to get me thinking about you and your girlfriends ... well, my dear, why would I need porn?
DW, now there is a film idea! A quest for porn in Utah.
The state actually has a porn czar. Was it that big a problem, or does the government there have nothing better to do?
George, you just need to get KC to run an in-house porn operation. That way you can both be happy.
There could indeed be a good movie in that quest. So Utah has a porn czar? I didn’t know that, but if any state did, they would. The part of Utah I hang out in is the Moab area. Given a choice, they would succeed from Utah and join Colorado where they belong. That, no doubt, is why they are not allowed such a choice.
By the way, Utah actually manages to have a few microbreweries. One of them makes “Polygamy Porter”. The tag line is “Why settle for just one?” It is even a good beer.
"Texxxas." Sweet!
Didn't know there was no porn in Oklahoma, besides George's stash. Did you know that vibrators are illegal in Alabama? I know this because I was in a wedding party with a bossy, mean Alabaman who ordered me to get the bride a vibrator for the bachelorette party. I made my friend Mike go with me to buy it at Priscilla's because I was so embarrassed to shop by myself. (Looking online hadn't occurred to me.)
The one we bought had Hawaiian flowers on it. It was very pretty.
Hawaiian flowers. Too bad I used a "leied" joke before.
So, George and KC, if you two get hitched, would your dual salaries pay for a live-in cook and housekeeper? I could be like Alice on the "Brady Bunch," and wear an apron, and get into situation comedy mishaps, and date a butcher.
Absolutely, cl. But you won't have necessarily have to go for the butcher. We're apparently going to have to hire a gardener to spread the mulch.
What's the mulch for? Will this be a self-sustaining household? And could I weigh in on the choice of gardener so I can have dalliances while you two are at work?
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